Wednesday, November 07, 2007

I'm Kosher and That's Okay... So Mind Ya Bizness!

As I travel the highways and byways of both real and virtual life, I often encounter people who think it extraordinarily important to pontificate on kosher dietary laws. (From all the huffing and puffing, you'd think we Jews ate Matzo soaked in the blood of Christian children or something.) Having become extremely frustrated with this obsession amongst the goyim, I think I'd like to pontificate right back.

Before I start, however, let me be clear up front. I don't speak for all Jews, most Jews, the worldwide Jewish conspiracy or pretty much any Jews but the one sitting at the keyboard. This is just one Jewess' opinion on why, the next time you feel the need to comment on my avoidance of cheeseburgers, you should take a moment, reflect and mind your own damned business.

Yes, I follow millenia-old dietary rules. No, I don't think G-d is going to condemn me to Hell, pelt me with brimstone or sentence me to a lifetime of hellacious flatulence for eating pork or shellfish or the aforementioned cheeseburgers. I don't know any Jews who do. No, I don't do it out of a need to celebrate my ethnic heritage. (That would be why I eat corned beef and cabbage, not why I eat matzo and bagels.) You see, I chose to be a Jew and I figured why do it half-assed when I can be a bad-ass, kosher-eating, Hebrew-speaking, Torah-reading, Sabbath-observing Jewess with Irish eyes and Choctaw cheekbones. (That's right, achayot. All the sexy goodness of a shiksah without the guilt.)

So, what is it to you? Yeah, I know. All these non-kosher foods are so tasty, it's just "ridiculous" and downright "wrong" for me to avoid them like a rabbi avoids a woman on her period. You would never make such irrational decisions about your food or let some cultural/religious nonsense influence what you eat. In fact, your food choices are all about edibility, healthiness and taste, right? Nonsense.

Why then don't you eat: dogs, cats, guinea pigs, monkeys, chimpanzees, baby seals, whales, sharks, possums, squirrels, raccoons, horses, sea turtles, polar bears, rats, etc.? More likely than not, something on that list "turned your stomach" for reasons you may not be able to explain. You may even have moral reasons for not eating some or all of them. Yet, all of these animals are edible, as healthy or more so than pork, and rather tasty according to the cultures that consume them. (As are we or so I've heard.)

So what's the problem? You're human. All humans and their cultures have food preferences and taboos. In fact, there are laws in this country against eating some of the animals on the list. If you treated a dog or cat in the way that livestock are treated on factory farms, you'd be charged with cruelty to animals.

Anyway, next time you feel the need to get in high dudgeon over the millenia-old dietary laws followed by us wacky Jewish types, think about your own food issues and mind your own business for once. No one's forcing you to follow kosher rules. You're free to eat what you want and avoid what makes you queasy for whatever reason (rational or irrational) you deem appropriate. So are we. Get it?

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